a re-beginning

I don’t know how to begin this post. I don’t know where it is going either. I have so much stopped up inside me lately, it feels brave (and a little stupid) to attempt to put words to it. I’m sitting here with all these windows open on my computer, editing a photo here, culling something there, responding to an email over here, adjusting a playlist there. I am nervous. I am not usually nervous to talk about how I feel, but I know it’s a bit audacious of me to put my feelings out where others might see them now. Before, when I blogged, I didn’t think about it – but I didn’t know how many people might not want to see or acknowledge that I was alive. I was really lucky. Some really incredible people received my words and my heart and still peek into my world every now and again to let me know they remember me.

It is easier not to blog right now. Not to write down things that have hurt me, not to dwell on dreams or plans or any vision for anything but what is right in front of me. Not to make time for words that might make my feelings more real, not to let anyone past the fragile veneer my art offers as a cloak some of the time.

But I think I don’t need easy. I think I need to re-begin the hard work of existence here, to re-try being a person in a world that isn’t begging for me to show up.

I’m thinking I will make a series here, starting with a deep prompt about direction from my photographer friend Christina. I need forward movement again. I need to stop being afraid of my own voice, to see myself believing in myself enough to push “publish” and live out loud in the world again, introvert or not. I may even make time to share my work here again, keep puttering with my website and make a place for it to live a little beyond my delivery archives. I have lookbook goals and printing goals and publication goals and thoughts about new ways to do better work and to collaborate with new people and have the business I want to have that doesn’t look like everyone else’s business. I have a word for this year (I know that is so out now), and it matters to me, and I want to explore it in writing.

I need to say words for me again. I need to stop being silent and letting everyone else tell me who they think I should be. I want to make art for me again. I want to be here at my blog again, even if nobody sees me or reads what I have to say.

If you’re reading here and I’m not just writing into a void, leave me a note. Tell me what it is you need today. Tell me why you need it. Tell me why you’re telling me. Tell me what brought you here. Let’s be people together in a very big world that often writes people off with its spinning.

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5 thoughts on “a re-beginning

  1. Rose

    I love reading your honest words. I wish I were that brave to put my words “out there.”
    I suppose I’ve always felt people are dealing with enough of their own stuff and don’t want to deal with mine too. I have Mutiple Sclerosis and I try to stay as positive as I can. So I have burried a lot inside me, but I find I function better that way. I am so very grateful for all I am able to do with this disability that turned my world upside down sixteen years ago. I was in a hospital bed unable to do anything. I had to quit my second grade teaching job. I had to learn to talk, walk, use my arms, and a ton of other things all over again. Plus I had four children at home waiting for me. When I feel depressed or hopeless that brings me back to my need to be thankful and grateful for what God has done in my life. This is my reality. This is my life. I try and use my photography as an affirmation and to maybe bring a litle hope to someone who sees it. I post on Instagram and include a quote with each photo. My work is your from the work you create but I’m still struggling with finding my style. Thank you for being so real. Thank you for encouraging me write this through your post.

  2. Isabelle Truchon

    I just woke up, and picked up my phone to look at the time. Skimming through my emails, i saw that I received a post from you. I began following you about 2 posts ago only because I recognized in your work, and in you a prose a deep sensitivity for the inner and outer world. I was captivated. And then, it stopped. I am not sure why, though I suspect it to be the work of a deep loss…. I am happy to read your words again. They inspire me, they bring me back to a basic and simple essence that I think I have forgotten along the way. A place I want to get back to. Thank you for your truth and courage. Thank you for being real.

  3. Rose

    I wrote a comment earlier but I guess it didn’t go through. Your work and words are amazing. You should create and post for you. I too am an introvert and doubt myself every single day.
    I took up photography as a creative oulet and I love it. My insta account was started as a way to maybe add a little encouragement to others with my photos and quotes.
    Sixteen years ago I had to quit my second grade teaching job. I was lying in a hospital bed unable to do anything. I had to learn how to talk, walk, take care of myself and everything in between. I was diagnosed with the worse attack of Multiple Sclerosis the doctors had seen. On top of this my four young children were at home. The hospital and rehab lasted over a month. I was sent home in a wheelchair.
    Fast forward. I am unable to work, but I can walk, talk, take care of myself, etc. I have chosen to be positive and not dwell on the bad stuff I deal with on a daily basis due to MS. My days are better this way. People have enough going on in life without having to deal with my problems.
    I thank God every day for how far I have come. It is not easy but the alternative is not an option for me. That’s my story. I feel remaining positive is a gift I give myself.

  4. SimplyDarlene

    Ah, miss K. Your second paragraph? Boy howdy and spank me running, I understand. And, as you know, I care about you, this space, this place — not only because of how you share word and pictorial beauties — but because in all the ways you fear and question and wonder and wander and look deep and appreciate simple and love ordinary and seek exquisite, you share real.

    What I need. To know I’m enough.
    Why I need it. Because the shadow of comparison has held me captive far too long.
    Why I am here. It’s morning time, it’s raining, it’s quiet, and I set aside time to be near my friend because her tender vulnerability lives and breathes here. (It always has. And, I hope she knows that I see her.)

  5. Julie

    that second paragraph.
    and the trapped feeling when you’ve run out of words. there’s no room for them.
    when it’s a fight just to keep breathing.

    but the fight is worth it.
    and we can’t do it alone.

    Why am I here? i’m not sure i have words. but i’ll try.
    because you are deep
    and your words stir echoes in my own heart.
    that realness is a gift. even though it comes with a price. thank you for being willing to share.